If you’ve read my EDAW posts, you’ll know that I’ve been trying in earnest to begin a recovery programme to free myself from the grip of this set of habits and behaviours that are in danger of causing me serious issues through heart disease and diabetes, to say nothing of the GRD (gastro-oesophageal reflux disease) I’m already dealing with.
Well, from thinking Fairburn was teaching his granny how to suck eggs with his ‘Step 1 Monitor Your Food Intake’, I’ve arrived at a new appreciation for the genius of the steps.
It’s IMPOSSIBLE. Rather, it feels impossible. I’ve been doing this for four weeks and I’ve made a fascinating discovery – I don’t want to think about everything I’ve eaten. I want to cope with the moment, eat the food, numb-out then get up and start the next day as day one. I don’t want history of how much poison I’ve forced into myself. It’s awful. it shows a pattern to my months and a way my life is being lived that I don’t even want to admit in writing here yet as it feels too raw and ugly.
This is a key aspect of BED, I feel. The fact is, I don’t want to face a written record of my eating habits and my food intake but I wear my history every day. No-one can miss the fact that I’m a binge eater because I’m so overweight and its obvious, yet this is all part of a complex relationship with myself that allows the creeping, insidious dread that I’m a fat man at the same time as almost holding it out of my awareness because to not be a fat man is now as scary to me as giving up laxatives and compulsive exercise. I need to think some more about this. In the meantime, Fairburn’s step one is restarted and continued after a dreadful food weekend (it was lovely in every other way but exceedingly tough, eating-wise).